Naturalmanism

I don't want to spend my whole email talking about how exhausted I am, but that's about what happened this week. I'm too tired to come up with an articulate way to say this, so I'm just going to say it: I just want to crawl in bed and rest. I don't know what is keeping my body moving, because it doesn't want to move. I am in a routine that my body knows. It's a pile of mass moving due to good habits formed. It's not that I don't want to sleep past 6:15, I don't think I'm capable of it. I want to take a nap, but my mind won't stop running and my body follows it. I can't keep conversations going, I just sit back and listen, because I'm too exhausted to think of a response. 

In emergencies on airplanes, you are always instructed to supply oxygen to yourself, then to those surrounding you. One of the habits I have is supplying oxygen to those around me before myself. I am exhausted from it.

I eat healthy.

I sleep a full 8 hours.

I pray continually.

I run 6 days a week.

WHY do I feel this way?

It's as if I'm carrying rocks. I'm trying to find the literally enabling power of the Atonement. I need it.

I am grateful for the members and companions that made my birthday this year so special. I was so tired it's as if I wasn't there. I tried. I am tired. 

I try to relax but there are 5,000,000 things that need to be done before I can even close my eyelids. I am grateful it's a rule to be in bed at 10:30. Sometimes the best part of my day is my nightly prayer. I hand it ALL OVER to the Lord. I form all that has to be done into an object (in my mind) and give it to Him. Once the night is over there is nothing more I can do, but from the moment I wake up there's a weight placed upon me. It's HEAVY, and difficult to carry from day to day. I am grateful that this is His work though, but if He wants to get it done here, it has to be through me. I am His. He is doing it. 

It's not that I don't feel successful, or worry about my performance, I know the Lord is pleased with all the work I am doing. I feel His approval. However I don't feel like He wants me to feel this way physically, emotionally, and even at times spiritually. 

With Chris and Jessica we want them to prepare for an experience to understand that Heavenly Father exists and that He is their Father. We are immersing them in the Book of Mormon to be able to prepare them for an experience outside of themselves. God doesn't expect anyone to blindly believe He exists - faith is the EVIDENCE of things not seen - so we look for evidence. There is Spiritual evidence that comes through the Holy Ghost that trumps all others, and that's what we want them to experience. They've come to church every week since we've taught them, they pray consistently, now we just need to help them READ.

I don't blame anyone who has a hard time reading the Book of Mormon without a Christian background, or even with one for that matter. It requires spiritual eyes, and an open heart, to understand how to apply it. In just the first chapter there are dozens of words they won't recognize. We all must be taught by example HOW to read, and HOW to pray, HOW to be a disciple of Christ. 

We must read WITH people. Read the first 15 chapters with them, then have the members read the rest of the Book of Mormon with them. When you read with the people you teach their true concerns come out. Their testimonies come flying out of their mouths as well, when they realize what they're saying is their testimony they create an ember of the fire of faith.

Both of my companions go home TOMORROW. Aside from how exhausted I feel, these oast few weeks with Sister Westling and Sister Cotant have been the best of my mission. It is the greatest trio I've ever seen. What's weird is that I'll see them sooner than a lot of my friends serving with me...

AN Y WAYZ 

Yesterday we had stake conference, which was INCREDIBLE. We had Elder and Sister Wilson of the seventy come and speak (we also had zone conference with them this week). I love how equal they are. After stake conference we went over to the Seymour's (she has become my mother away from my mother). They got together with the elders and made a beautiful gluten free meal. We then came home, did some planning (weekly planning went out the door this week with my companions going home and all), went to the Wilson's, then to the Segar's. I was with people I love. The Oxford sisters slept over for stake conference Saturday night to my birthday (5 sisters, one itty bitty apartment) so we partied until 10:30, then woke up on my birthday to breakfast!